urban dictionary defines “bae” as before anyone else (it also means poop in danish). so in this relationship (which was never really official) i was “before anyone else”.
the google definition of secret is – not known or seen or meant to be known or seen by others.
several years ago i was a secret bae.
not one of my finer moments, but definitely a huge lesson and blessing all in one for me.
for nearly two years on and off i was committed to someone. we did all things couples did. but its was unofficial. so basically giving the parties involved, a loop hole should “something happen”. a lot of somethings happened. each time a something happened i stayed. why? because there were still things that were good. very small things, but there was good there. it got to the point where i was just buried underneath a pile of “somethings” so that any good that was there, was so small it was pretty much invisible.
eventually i did walk away. well ran away to another country to be exact. that didn’t solve much either though as i couldn’t escape my mind. i was suffering a huge case of what if syndrome. luckily i have that under control now. okay well most of the time i have it under control.
looking back on my time as a secret bae i learnt so much about myself and what i can take and handle. my friends would say he was an utter bastard (yeah there’s truth to that) but i would say he is probably my greatest teacher so far.
this is what he taught me:
lesson 1: what you will allow will continue
at any given time i could of walked away. he never forced to see him. i had every opportunity to walk away. not go over. not answer the phone. but i didn’t. i kept going back. i wish i could of been one of those strong girls that yelled and screamed and got her point across but at the time, rocking the boat would of meant that i could loose him and my thinking was rather to have him in my life in some way, as screwed up as it was, was better than nothing. WRONG! finally i got to a point where i just couldn’t go back and i didn’t. i allowed that all to happen and that’s why he kept doing it. so i stopped going back.
lesson 2: speak up
i did all the girlfriend things. cooked, did the washing up, picked up wine on the way home from work, cleaned the house, listened to the story of how annoying the co-workers were… but i was never a girlfriend. i wanted so desperately for it to be “official” but i didn’t have the guts to say it. let me be clearer here. we started as “special friends” but that changed. well it did for me and i thought if i just showed him by doing things for him he would just get it. WRONG! people express love in different languages. so if your needs change or you have certain expectations, then you have to tell that person. people aren’t mind readers.
lesson 3: rejection is protection and sometimes projection
probably the hardest lesson to learn but when i learnt to accept it and really get it, then i felt truly free. for reasons which may not be clear to me (or you) when it happens in the moment, the rejection you feel is protection from something worse. we are only in charge of our own actions so when an outcome doesn’t turn in our favour, know in that moment you are being projected to something greater. as time went on i could see how much better off i was. i wouldn’t of gone back to facilitate energy healing sessions. i wouldn’t of lived in hong kong for a year becoming a pilates instructor. i wouldn’t be skyping clients across the globe helping them change their thoughts.
a helluva lot of good has come from something that brought me heart breaking pain. most people would call it a break down. i like to think of it as a spiritual awakening.
it could of broke me, but it didn’t.
i changed my thoughts.
you can too.